Holy Smokles!

Last week, I had to send in my diploma + tons of signed papers + 5 passport photos to my new company so that I can get pre-Visa approval. They sent me a reply 2 days later (2 days! So quick!), returning my diploma along with a Japanese culture guide + English magazine about Japan. It was a heartwarming little bundle; little things like this make me feel more secure about my decision. Some days I tend to get really excited; others I have to gather my nerves and convince myself that this is what I want to do. And then I remember it's just a year, for crying out loud; it's a drop in the pond.

Fings!..and the events following.

Oh my goodness. I sent in the materials today to acquire my visa. I am going back to Japan for realsies now.

As of June 21st, I will be headed to Shiki, Saitama to work for a year in an English conversation school. This idea has been with me for the last few years, and it's exciting and frightening and incredible to finally see it come to fruition.

It also came at a time when I had just gotten to the point of unemployment exhaustion; I had fallen into the mentality that not only were there no jobs available; but that even if there were, I wouldn't be smart enough/skillful enough/all-around competent enough to be up for the task. It was a strange mindset that I had been trapped in for a few months, but as I left the interview for this position, I felt like I had suddenly taken a breath of fresh air. I know that so much of my uncertainty and fear came from the idea that identity is found in what we do and who we are with, and if we are unemployed and lonely, our identity is a hollow shell. Even then I knew that this self-conception was not bound in reality, but what we know and how we feel are often two very different things. With that comes the tangle of expectations; expectations has come to be synonymous with 'unrealistic' and 'eventual disappointment' in my mind, but perhaps that's not a bad thing.

I want to go into this willing to be open to whatever possibilities are presented to me. I know that sometimes I am so tempted to force things to happen a certain way because I think that is how things should be; how I think I want them to be. How things turn out to be should not be based on how I will them to occur based on some preconceived notion of rightness, but how I encounter new opportunities in grateful willingness.

So with that, I will be going to Japan.